Beneath the Tree!
by Unique Sandwich
Summary: There are many speculations as to what would happen if Seishirou met Subaru beneath the Tree... but none like this.


Beneath the Tree!   
By Kelsey   
Warnings: OOC, attempts at humor   
Notes: I have no excuse for this, other than I needed a break after obsessing over getting Subaru in-character for Chapter 2 of Angel Standing By. XD;; So I present a very _different_ take on what could happen if Subaru and Seishirou accidentally met in Ueno Park...   
  
--   
  
Normally, Sakurazuka Seishirou, deadly Sakurazukamori, would have been pleased to find Sumeragi Subaru underneath the Tree. After all, there were many things one could do there: kill him, make bets with him, traumatize him, ravish him...   
  
But what did one do when the Sumeragi had a bucket of weedkiller?   
  
"Subaru-kun," Seishirou said, stepping forth from the shadows in a manner calculated to intimidate, to startle, and to, above all else, radiate Savoir-Faire TM.   
  
The man in the white trenchcoat made an 'eep' sound and shoved the bucket behind his back. "S--S--Seishirou-san!"   
  
"What, may I ask, are you doing?"   
  
Subaru, utterly taken aback by Seishirou's stylish entrance (not to mention peeved at the foiling of his foolproof plan to save the world from the Sakurazukamori), had the bad sense to lie. "I'm, um, watering it."   
  
"You're watering it."   
  
"Um, yes."   
  
"You're watering a tree that feeds on corpses."   
  
"Well, maybe it's tired of blood after all these years!" Subaru defended himself, the remaining sane portion of his brain wondering why he was arguing about a homicidal tree's dietary habits. "Did you ever think of that?"   
  
Seishirou blinked once, twice, and then cursed under his breath. Why did Subaru always make him consider new things whenever they met here?   
  
What if the Tree _was_ tired of blood?   
  
Well, there was only one way to find out.   
  
Subaru gaped as Seishirou tossed some ofuda in the air and began chanting. His first instinct was to begin a counterspell, but then he realized it wasn't an attack. In fact, it sounded vaguely like one of his spells (Spell #149C in _The Big Book of Onmyoujitsu_, to be exact) used for summoning spirits, and not spirits in the alcoholic sense. (That was Spell #57B, the uses of which took up an entire chapter in said Book.)   
  
There was a large *POOF!* and a swirl of pink sakura petals.   
  
"Sakurazukamori-CHAN!" the spirit of the Tree gushed, bloodred eyes sparkling with happiness, or possibly sadistic glee. She -- it? -- rushed towards Seishirou, arms held out wide, only to run straight through the assassin and crash to the ground.   
  
"Sakura-sama," Seishirou said through gritted teeth, his patience more than tried for one night, "you're not substantial in this form."   
  
The Spirit of the Sakura sniffed as she pulled herself up from her undignified position on the ground. Straightening her pale pink kimono, she asked, "Which one are you, Sakurazukamori-chan? You know I always lose track of everyone's names when I'm stuck in the hunk of wood." Her eyes lit upon Subaru. "OH! You're the one that molests pretty boys!"   
  
"Hey," Subaru said, indignant at the description, but still too polite to add an exclamation point after the, er, exclamation. Then the full meaning of the Spirit's words sank in. "_Boys?_ As in, more than one?!" He turned to Seishirou, fuming. "And they got to be _molested?!"_   
  
Years of frustrated libido can turn even the most reticent, angsty onmyouji into a very angry one -- when the correct buttons are pushed.   
  
"Ne, Sakurazukamori-chan, why is the pretty boy shooting out flames?" the Sakura inquired cheerfully.   
  
Seishirou smirked. "Subaru-kun is jealous."   
  
That really took the cake. As if he could be anything but jealous! Damn it, he was here to save the _world,_ and yet Fate couldn't be kind enough to spare him the knowledge that, in addition to being unworthy of death, he was unworthy of _sex!_ Furious beyond belief, Subaru whipped out his ofuda and began chanting the worst spell he could think of (Spell #3490G) between clenched teeth. If Seishirou-san could summon a soul-sucking Tree Spirit, he was going to summon--!   
  
Was going to summon...?   
  
Seishirou blinked as a small plastic-wrapped package dropped into his hand.   
  
"While I appreciate the sentiment, Subaru-kun," he drawled, "don't you think you're being a little forward?"   
  
Subaru's face went deep tomato red, realizing he'd mispronounced a syllable and invoked Spell #3490F, the spell his grandmother had insisted he learn before he and Hokuto left for Tokyo, what with all the crazies running around that city.   
  
The condom-summoning spell.   
  
"S--Seishirou-san, I..." he said, almost whimpered, but caught himself in time. Oh, the mortification...   
  
"Just use it, Sakurazukamori-chan," came the Sakura's opinion as she buffed non-existant nails on her insubstantial kimono. "Been a while since someone's had romantic moonlit sex under my branches." She frowned. "But tell him to get rid of the weedkiller, first."   
  
As Subaru made choking sounds, Seishirou was abruptly reminded of the reason for summoning the otherwise incredibly annoying and perky Spirit. "Sakura-sama, are you tired of drinking blood? Would you prefer something different? Wine, perhaps?"   
  
She considered. "Well, I _have_ been thinking about going on a diet. Must keep my girlish figure, after all." Her smile grew positively evil, and even Seishirou felt a chill run down his spine. "Perhaps you won't need the Sumeragi's spell after all, Sakurazukamori-chan, though I am still of the opinion that too much time has passed from the last 'romantic rendezvous' in Ueno Park. In any case, I'm sure... other bodily fluids... would satisfy me _far_ more."   
  
This said, she vanished in another *POOF* and swirl of sakura petals.   
  
Subaru, slightly recovered from his embarrassment, could not help feeling both a sinking sensation and a rising elation. Fortunately, he did not throw up from the vertigo this entailed. Instead, he looked with wide green eyes at the smirking Sakurazukamori, unaware of how very vulnerable and sweet the expression made him look.   
  
"Subaru-kun, would you like to provide an alternate method of feeding the Tree?"   
  
"W--Well... when you put it that way..."   
  
And thus, Sumeragi Subaru saved the world. Sort of.   
  
--   
  
Final Notes: Didn't want to put this up there, for fear of giving away the appearance of Sakura-sama. ^_~ But anyway, the actual _tree_ is referred to as the Tree, but its spirit as the Sakura. So it was deliberate and not me being dumb. XD As if the whole fic wasn't pure dumb fun anyway... ^_^; 


End file.
